Through all my years of depression and suicidality the only thing that kept me pushing through all the pain was dreaming of being a mother one day. This dream probably started when I entered my teen years. I would think of being a mom sometimes on a daily basis.
Initially I am sure it was for all the wrong reasons... selfish reasons. We all have basic, primary needs. Of simply wanting someone to love us unconditionally. To feel needed and wanted. To me, having a baby fulfilled these basic desires.
I didn't actually get pregnant until my late twenties. But prior to becoming pregnant I did start planning for the event. I have always been incredibly self destructive. I guess hurting myself was my only outlet for all the pain I kept buried inside. It manifested itself through my anorexia, bouts of bulimia, self mutilation, etc. I realized at one point that I didn't know what the anorexia was doing to my body. I had already been diagnosed with osteoporosis... who knew what other irreversible damage had been done. Because of a baby that hadn't even been created yet I was able to pull myself out of the depths of my eating disorder. I couldn't bare to think I was ruining my only chance of fulfilling my dream.
When I actually did get pregnant, I took all this even further. Prior to my daughter, I refused to see how hurting myself (i.e. cutting) could be negative in any way. I typically cut to stop my flashbacks, to gain some semblance of control of my life back, to lessen the pain, to simply make it through the moment. It, at times, literally saved my life. It wasn't until I was carrying my daughter inside me that I was able to see this from a different perspective. From the perspective of a mom watching her daughter go down this road. That was unbearable to me... to think of my daughter ever hurting herself in this way. That is when I realized my own responsibilities in becoming a mom. I was going to be a role model. There were so many aspects of my life that I wanted to change... to make better for my child. It was certainly the beginning of a long healing process.
Sometimes it is through our children that we see who we want to be and it is them who give us the strength to push through all the pain and hurt and become the people we want to be. I know that it is because of my daughter that I am conquering my eating issues and am on my way to conquering my self injury issues. I struggle at times with my own guilt for bringing a child into this world that is filled with so much hate. For giving her a mother who is struggling and still trying to get her life in order. But I have to keep telling myself that no one is perfect and giving my daughter unconditional love and acceptance goes a long ways. I firmly believe that showing our children how to be a survivor is an amazing tool in life. It is so easy to only see the negative but we have so much to offer our children. It is easy when we are struggling to think that our children might be better off without us but we underestimate ourselves and our struggles and forget to see the strength and courage we display in making it through our lives - THAT certainly isn't something that damages people but instead inspires them and shows them how to make it through their own difficult times.
I am slowly coming to terms with my own limitations and expectations and realizing that I don't have to be a "perfect mother". Being flawed is what make us human and how we handle our flaws is what can make us exceptional. And there is such strength in surviving.
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