Writing...

I am really struggling lately with flashbacks and I have been instructed to try and simply WRITE what is going through my head. So much easier said than done.

I am in 5th or 6th grade... I am in my bedroom... scared... watching my bedroom door. The door is on the opposite wall from my bed... i can see it clearly. I am not sure how long I watch it before I know he is coming... see the door start to open. Maybe i close my eyes at this point.. or simply dissociate... because that is where I no longer "see" anything. Actually everything in the memory changes at this point... my sense of everything changes... it all gets foggy. I can feel the terror that was inside me and i can feel him... but everything I remember starts to overlap and it feels like everything is happening at once - even though it isn't possible. He is too heavy and I feel like he is smothering me. His hands are deliberate and strong and i can't move. I don't want this to happen... but I also am very aware that what I want doesn't matter. *I* don't matter. The memories overlap and blur into one another. I can feel his hands separate my legs. Him on top of me... he is too heavy. I feel so trapped... and confined. I can feel him penetrating me... there is so much pain. I can feel him in my mouth... I can't breathe. Gagging. And when it is all over I just curl up in my bed. I tell myself over and over that "it doesn't matter" until I finally fall asleep.